Wednesday, September 23, 2009

He Likes Her! He Likes Her!

Stopped by The Looking-Glass Cafe, where I saw my old friend Marty Volare hunched over the bar writing something on a piece of paper, which couldn't have been easy as the beer dribbling down from his mouth caused the ink to run.

"Hiya, Marty!," I said as I walked into the place. "Whatcha' writing?"

Even though we've known each other for years, Marty looked at me quite shyly, and then cast his eyes down, muttering, "Oh, just a love letter."

"A love letter? To who?"

"Sally Field."

"You like Sally Field, huh?"

"Ever since I was a little boy plopped in front of the TV set with my tray of marshmallow pinwheel cookies and a big cup of Tang, the drink the astronauts drank, on the side."

"Can I read it?"

A frightened look appeared on Marty's face, and he clutched the letter close to his chest, not a good idea as his shirt was covered with Cheez-It crumbs.

"Aw, c'mon, Marty, you've known me for years!"

Marty shyly, reluctantly, handed over his letter. It wasn't easy to read, what with all the dribbled beer and smashed Cheez-It crumbs, but read it I did, and, man, it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read, Shakespeare and the King James Version of The Bible included. Before he sends his letter off to Sally, Marty has graciously allowed me to share it with all of you. Read it, and see if you don't get a lump in your throat.

My Dearest Darling Sally Field,

I have carried a torch for you ever since I was seven years old and the local UHF station played Gidget and The Flying Nun back to back. I first fell in love with you in that little yellow bikini, and then fell in love all over again in that white nun's habit. It might have been better for my psycho-biological development had it been the other way around, but, no matter, whether you were frolicking on the beaches of Southern California, or soaring through the skies above Puerto Rico, so, too, did my heart. Later you appeared in the TV movie, Sybil, and I fell in love with all thirteen of your personalities, though the Mike personality and the Sid personality didn't help my psycho-biological development much either. Not too long after that you appeared in Smokey and the Bandit. Oh, Sally, how I longed to be the Burt Reynolds who would rescue you from the evil clutches of Jackie Gleason, who was even meaner than when he played Ralph Kramden. No matter. He would not send you "to the moon" as long as I was there to protect you. Then there was Norma Rae. Inspired by your performance, I tried to organize a union in my place of employment. Unfortunately, I was working in my grandmother's collectibles shop at the time, and she told my parents on me. Finally, Places in the Heart, for which you won your second Academy Award. Of course, Sally, your place was in my heart all along.

Recently, I was distressed to learn that you suffer from osteoporosis. Oh, Sally, how I want to take those brittle bones of yours in my arms and make them all better. Fortunately, you've discovered Boniva, and, watching those commercials, I was thrilled to see that you're now healthy enough to go to the farmer's market and buy some ripe tomatoes (by the way, I like ketchup.) Still, I was a bit puzzled. Isn't osteoporosis a disease older women get? So I looked up your age on the Internet, and was surprised to see that you're now 63!

Sally, I swear to you from the bottom of my love-stricken heart, you don't look a day over 40.

I, on the other hand, am only 45, yet strangers always mistake me for being a couple of decades older.

Oh, Sally, don't you see? We were made for each other!!!

Lovingly yours,

Martin Dangerfield Volare



  1. In retrospect I should have realized my ex was nuts before we married.

  2. Ha, Kirk, this is great! VERY creative. By the way, I like her. I really like her. I pay attention to her touting Boniva, and I wanted to BE her, both in the bikini and the nun's habit. Alas, I may have been able to get the clothes, but I'm not adorable.

    And Kirk, are you sure this is Marty's romance and not Murphy's Romance?

  3. I forgot all about that movie, LimesNow. Damn!

  4. I gotcha? I'm proud of myself - I'm actually fairly movie-challenged, but that was a sweet one. I love James Garner and he was a lovable older fella in love.

  5. Shouldn't forget Tag.

    If Sybil is the ex you're referring to, then I hope you got a cut when that movie showed up on DVD.

  6. Oh, geez, I just made the Sybil connection. I hadn't quite understood what Tag was saying. Now it's in context for me.

  7. That's all right, LimesNow. I had to read my post over again before I got it.

  8. He slides them in under the radar! I'm usually pretty quick with things, so when I completely don't get something I stop and wonder what's wrong with me. Well, maybe there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe he's just really good!

  9. I slipped in a reference in the comment section of Erin O'Brien Jesus video yesterday that I don't think anybody got (or they didn't care.) I'll let you in on it. The pamphlet was titled "Five Easy Steps", I referenced the 1971 Jack Nicholson movie Five Easy Pieces. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Pretty funny, huh?

    Hey! Where did you go?

  10. Well, you see? You know movies more than you think you do.

  11. Probably within certain timeframes. My ex had movies and TV going in ever room 24/7 for the decades I was in the marriage. I've probably picked up tons of movie information I never wanted to know. Through the air and the pores. I'm probably far less knowledgeable about movies since I've been divorced, except for some very, very arcane ones.

  12. My Ex told me she was cast for the part of Gidget but sadlu couldn't take part because she also cast as Annette Funicello's stand in. She would have been 2 or 3. when gidget was on.

  13. Oh, my. I could have been her babysitter. I guess that makes me OLD and still wanting to be Gidget.

  14. So, Tag, your ex claims to have been cast as Gidget before Sally Field, and she was only two at the time?

    Excuse me if this sounds mildly sexist, but she must be the only woman in history who wants people to think she's OLDER than she is.

  15. As for being Annette Funicello's stand-in, so she's the one in BEACH BLANKET BINGO that got accidentally hit by the wave in that long-shot?

    (I have fond memories of Linda Evans in that movie, incidentally)

  16. I wonder if Sally Fields owns any marital aids.

  17. Not while she lived at the convent.


In order to keep the hucksters, humbugs, scoundrels, psychos, morons, and last but not least, artificial intelligentsia at bay, I have decided to turn on comment moderation. On the plus side, I've gotten rid of the word verification.