Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Ad Libs (Burlesque Edition)

I recently told a dirty joke on this blog.

Actually, Eddie Templeton told the joke. Or tried to tell the joke, as he was continually interrupted by Mycroft Ptolemy.

Whoever told the joke, I knew sooner or later the ad box to the left would reflect that particular post's subject matter. I expected maybe a book for sale. 1000 Dirty Jokes And Then Some . Or Filthy Fun For Everyone. Or, possibly, The Portable Potty Mouth.

Or maybe an X-rated video that can be purchased online, though I'm told that's unnecessary as you can just watch one online. (I wouldn't know. Remember, I'm in the library. Those places frown on their patrons viewing porn.)

Instead, the ads are for sexual abuse centers, sexual abuse hot lines, sexual abuse seminars, sexual abuse literature, and sexual abuse videos. There's also an ad that asks (I kid you not), Is My Husband Gay? (I wonder if that one is left over from the same-sex marriage post a while back.)

This is not quite the spirit in which the post was intended.

You really shouldn't try to explain humor to an AdSense search engine, but here goes. The post was a satiric attempt to adapt the conventions of a dirty joke to a real life situation, and--ah, never mind.

To think, it's all because I decided to do a little blue humor as a change of pace.

Man, imagine the ads if Redd Foxx had had his own blog!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Heard In Passing

So I'm sitting at a red light at Pleasant Valley and York Road in Parma when suddenly I hear:


Now, where did that come from? I quickly looked around. Cars were turning from York onto Pleasant Valley as I sat waiting for the light to change, so it probably came from a passing vehicle. But who was in that vehicle? Obviously someone who recognized me. But, again, who?

It was a male voice. I think. It was boyishly male, and there are girls who sound like boys, so it could have been female. I'm just not sure.

Someone I knew from high school? That was almost thirty years ago. Voices would have deepened in that time. I can't imagine anyone still sounding boyish. Well, I did know a few squeaky-voiced boys back then. In middle-age they may sound like...boys without squeaky voices. And, a girl's voice can deepen as well. Just enough so she sounds like a boy.

Someone I used to work with? A strong possibility. But I never worked in Parma. Not that that really matters. It's the West Side, and one nice thing about Greater Cleveland, it's an easy area to get around. You can go from Strongsville to North Royalton to Parma in a matter of minutes if the traffic's not too bad. Quite a few people at my last job commuted from Parma. And, of course, if I'm in that part of town, why can't they be also?

My brother, maybe? His voice is booth announcer deep. He hasn't sounded boyish in decades. And, besides, he lives in Lakewood. It's a little harder for him to get to Parma.

My sisters both sound like girls. So it's not them. Especially not the one in California.

Some other relative? I don't keep in touch as well as I should. I doubt if they would even recognise me.

I've been to a couple of job interviews lately. Somebody I met on one of those? It's kind of an odd way for a human resource manager to get in contact with you, yelling from a passing car. I gave them my phone number!

The more I think of it, the more certain, the more positive, I am that, maybe, possibly, conceivably, it was female. But who? Some girl secretly in love with me? And she's following (or stalking) me.

I hope she's good looking. And not allergic to cats.

Maybe it was some detective on my tail. I don't know why a detective would be on my tail. He sure blew his cover by yelling out my name.

I sometimes get political on this blog. Could it be a government agent, thinking I'm some sort of subversive? Yes, there's a liberal Democrat in the White House, but we all know a shadow government composed of leading members of the military-industrial complex actually runs this country.

If the military-industrial complex really wants to shut me up, they could always offer me a job. I wonder if they got dental?

Maybe it was Destiny calling out to me. When Destiny calls, you should follow.

But how the hell was I supposed to follow Destiny sitting at a red light on Pleasant Valley and there's all these cars turning onto it from York? If I had tried to make a U-turn, I would have caused an accident!

Maybe it was God.

Or the Devil!

Oh, the mysteries of life! Of fate! Why must I be kept in such suspense? Why must my emotions be toyed with? Why must my hopes be unnecessarily raised? Why must my fears be unreasonably stoked? Must I be taunted this way?


I may never know.

Oh, well. I didn't feel much like talking to him or her anyway.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

We'll Save The Lady From Nantucket For Some Other Time

The other day I stopped by the Looking-Glass Cafe, just in time to find Eddie Templeton attempting to tell Mycroft Ptolemy a dirty joke.

"OK, Mycroft, this guy is at the supermarket buying some stuff, and he turns into aisle 7 and sees this beautiful girl in a sexy negligee--"

"Why was she wearing a sexy negligee?"

"Why? Because she's the type of girl that likes to wear sexy negligees, that's why. Now, this guy sees her and--"

"They let her into the store like that?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Didn't the supermarket have a dress code?"

"Why would a supermarket have a dress code? It's not Cinderella's ball."

"How sexy was this negligee?"

"Oh, dude, her boobs were about to fall out, and it was so short you could see her panties, that's why when the guy turned into aisle 7 and saw her--"

"They really let her into the store dressed that way, huh?"

"Look, Mycroft, they let all types into a supermarket. I remember once I saw a woman in hair curlers."


"So, she looked ridiculous and everybody was gawking at her."

"I bet not as much as they were gawking at the woman in the sexy negligee."

"Mycroft, if anything, they were gawking even more at the woman in hair curlers."

"Suppose the girl in the sexy negligee and woman in the hair curlers were standing right next to each other? Then who would get gawked at more? I'll bet--"


At this point, Sherm, the bartender, told Eddie to keep it down. Eddie nodded, and then said to Mycroft in a low voice, "See, you got me in trouble with Sherm."

"I just want to know why the woman came to the supermarket only in her negligee? Why didn't she get dressed first?"

"Mycroft, she worked second shift, so she got up late, and wanted to get to the store and back before her favorite soap came on, and just didn't have enough time to dress however you think people should dress in supermarkets."

"She should have just Tivo'd the soap."

"Well, maybe that's why she was working second shift, so she could afford to buy a Tivo. Now, can I please finish this joke?"

"Go ahead."

"OK, she--no, the guy, turns into aisle 7 and sees this beautiful girl in a sexy negligee. He gets all excited and rips off his clothes and jumps on the girl and they start having wild sex right there on the supermarket floor--"

"So he raped her."

"No, he didn't rape her! This is a dirty joke, not a sick one. Where'd you get that idea?"

"You said he jumped her."

"Yeah, but only because she was wearing a sexy negligee."

"You shouldn't blame the victim, even if she's wearing a sexy negligee."

"No, you don't understand, Mycroft, they were in a supermarket."

"You shouldn't blame the victim, even if she's wearing a sexy negligee in a supermarket."

"What I mean, Mycroft, is people don't get raped in supermarkets. They get raped in dark alleys or some place like that."

"So it was consensual sex?"

"That's right."

"In a supermarket?"

"That's right."

"I have an easier time imagining a rape in a supermarket than consensual sex."

"Then go ahead and imagine it, Mycroft. It won't affect the joke any."

"Now, if it's rape, somebody in the store would have noticed and called the police--"

"No, Mycroft, that's not what happened at all!"

"It was one of those Kitty Genovese-like situations?"

"Kitty Geno--It was consensual, Mycroft. She asked him to rip off his clothes and jump on her so they could have sex on the supermarket floor!"

"You didn't mention she made the first move."

"That's right, I didn't. I forgot. I'm sorry I didn't mention it. I apologise. I'll regret it for the rest of my days!"

"I understand why he wanted to have sex with her, but if she made the first move, why did she want to have sex with him?"

"She saw how turned on he was by her, and was so flattered by the attention that--"

"If she walks around supermarkets in a negligee, you think she'd be used to attention."

"She had a poor self-image, OK?"

"But you said she was beautiful."

"I know she's beautiful, you know she's beautiful, the guy in the supermarket knows she beautiful, but she doesn't know she's beautiful because she's got a poor self-image! Now, they're having sex in aisle 7--"

"Well, if they both wanted to have sex, why didn't they just go to one of their homes?"

"They were both married!"

"Did her husband think she was beautiful?"

"Yes, but he didn't let her know it. He let her think she was ugly so she would have a poor self-image and have sex with with the first person she met at the supermarket."

"Why didn't they go to a motel?"

"Mycroft, they were blind with passion! Haven't you ever been so blind with passion that you wanted to have sex right then and there on the supermarket floor instead of going to a motel?"


"Well, you've lived a sheltered life. I feel sorry for you. Now, they're having sex on the supermarket floor, and--"

"Didn't anybody notice?"

"Not yet."

"Not yet? I think they'd notice right away!"

"Mycroft, I said they were in aisle 7. If you weren't in aisle 7, how would you know? And they had aisle 7 all to themselves."

"Well, aisle 7 was free the whole time? Nobody else entered it? That's hard to believe."

"Well, OK, so someone else went into the aisle. What of it?"

"Well, if someone with a cart full of groceries came into the aisle and saw them having sex on the floor--"

"Then they steered the cart around them. You can steer those carts, you know."

"So even though they were having wild sex, they weren't blocking the aisle?"

"Well, they might have been rolling back and forth, but if they rolled to the right, you steer the cart to the left, if they roll to the left, you steer to the right. Now, listen carefully, Mycroft, they finished having sex, put on their clothes, and left. But there was all this semen and sperm and--"

"Sperm and semen are synonyms."

"I don't care. They left all these bodily fluids on the floor of aisle 7, and a customer happens by, sees the mess, and gets all upset--"

"Finally, somebody gets upset."

"So this customer goes to the store manager, tells him what she saw, and the manager gets on the loudspeaker and says--"

Eddie changed his voice to sound like he was talking on a loudspeaker, and announced:

"Spill in aisle 7!"

Back to his regular voice, Eddie said, "Well, that's the joke, Mycroft. How come you're not laughing?"

"I think if a customer tells a store manager that there's bodily fluids on the floor of aisle 7, then he should immediately rush to aisle 7, and see for himself."

"Mycroft, when you're telling a joke, it's the punchline that matters. If the girl had dressed normal, I couldn't have said the punchline. If the guy hadn't jumped on her, I couldn't have said the punchline. If they didn't have wild sex on the floor, I couldn't have said the punchline. If the store manager had rushed over to aisle 7 instead of getting on the loudspeaker, I couldn't have said the punchline. If all the people in the joke had behaved the way you expected them to behave, I couldn't have said the punchline. Am I getting through to you, Mycroft? Is any of this making sense?"

Mycroft gave what Eddie said some serious thought, and asked, "So all those people knew they were in a dirty joke?"

Utterly exasperated, Eddie replied, "How could they not?!"

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The China Syndrome

In an interview for the Financial Times, President Obama's chief economic advisor, Larry Summers, predicted that the American economy will become "less consumption-oriented"; "more export oriented"; "less energy-production-oriented"; "more environmentally-oriented"; "less financial-engineering-oriented"; "more bio- and software- and civil-engineering-oriented"; "less oriented to income growth that is disproportionate towards a very small share of the population"; and "more middle-class-oriented."

After reading that, I'm feeling a little disoriented.

Recommended Reading

Get real, Mika.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Moniker Miracle

It seems I'm now up to three followers. One, the lovely Akeru, has been here for quite some time. Michael Williams came aboard a couple of weeks ago. And, just today, I logged into my blog to find a second Michael Williams! Imagine that! Out of the billions of people with access to the Internet, I gain two followers with the exact same name.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

--William Shakespeare, Hamlet, act I, scene V

Welcome, guys.