Hollywood Squares Babylon

Has the coarsening of the culture got you down? If so, return with me to a more innocent, wholesome time, some forty to fifty years ago, when the TV censor ruled with an iron fist...


Q: Paul, we've all heard the old phrase "pig in a poke". What is a poke?
A: It's when you're not really in love.

Q: Paul, Elizabeth Taylor recently stated "It wasn't easy," and hubby Richard Burton added, "But we both sleep a lot better." They were both talking about the same thing. What?
A: Separate bedrooms.

Q: Paul, true or false. Research indicates that Christopher Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
A: It's not easy to sign up a crew for six months.

Q: Paul, before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
A: An engagement ring.

Q: Paul, according to psychologists, when a child gets curious about sex, what is the one question it will ask mommy and daddy?
A: Where can I get some?
  
Q: Paul, does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?    
A: Well, it's easy to steer
  
Q: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
A: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment

Q: Paul, Teddy Roosevelt maintained that he had something removed from two United States coins purely for the sake of art. What?
A: The bottom half of the buffalo.

Q: Paul, Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying "Dinah Shore is in top form. I've never known anyone to be completely able to throw herself into a..." What?
A: A headboard.

Q: Paul, during the war of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
A: They are cute

Q: Paul, Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the Revolutionary war, was hung. Why?
A: Heredity.

Q: Paul, when is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave for two minutes?
A: When your house is surrounded by police.

Q: Paul, it's considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? 
A: Tape measures.

Q: Paul, it used to be called "9-pin". What's it called today.
A: Foreplay!

Q: Paul, why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Paul, Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now, listen carefully: "We work together, we pray together, and we're darn good..." What?
A: In the saddle.

Q: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes?
A: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways.

Q: Paul, it may be the most abused part of you body. What is it?
A: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q: Paul, from what animal do you get silk blouses?
A: An animal to you, Peter, but kind and generous to me.

Q: Paul, in a survey of teenage mothers, most of them said they were listening to this when they got pregnant. What is it?
A: A pack of lies.

Q: Paul, is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
A: As long as that's a far as it goes.

Q: Paul, is it true that lightening once fused a man's zipper shut?
A: Yes, it was God's way of telling him to slow down.

Q: Paul, in Greek mythology, what would the god Morpheus do to you while you slept?
A: I don't know, but I got an enchanted hickey.

Q: Paul, is there such a thing as an F cup in bra sizes?
A: Yes, it sleeps four.

Q: Paul, the great writer George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "It's such a wonderful thing, what a crime to waste it on children." What is it?
A: A whipping.
 

Q: Paul, is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? 
A: Why, that bitch!

Q: Paul, what unusual thing do you do if you have something called "the gift of the tongues"?
A: I wouldn't tell the Grand Jury. Why should I tell you?

Q: Paul, Glen Campbell recently stated, "Love to me is something..." Something to what?
A: Purchase.

Q: Paul, did the recently deceased Smokey the Bear leave a widow?
A: Let's just say at the services they had to sedate Ranger Bob.

Paul Lynde

The TV censor may have ruled with an iron fist, but that doesn't mean he had a clue.