Last Comic Standing

Some of you reading this--assuming some of you ARE reading this--may know that I'm a frustrated cartoonist (as well as a frustrated writer, and, in general, a frustrated human being.) I'm actually somewhat more successful as a cartoonist than I was, say, working in a "fulfillment center" (inside joke, for those of you in the know.) About four years ago, I had a handful of cartoons published in two different publications. One was a magazine out of Berkeley, California (which made me feel very countercultural) called Laugh Riot, and the other a local newspaper of sorts called Active Voice/Weekly Farce (I was in the Voice section.) In both cases I was paid in contributor copies, but at least I got some sort of compensation. I was now a professional cartoonist! Today Laugh Riot, tomorrow The New Yorker! Well, as it turned out, not only wasn't tomorrow the New Yorker, it wasn't even Laugh Riot. As far as I know, Laugh Riot never published a second issue. And Active Voice/Weekly Farce? Every six months for the last four years I've gotten a letter from the editor (how's THAT for a reversal?) promising another issue eventually. Until that day comes, I have a huge backlog of unpublished comics that I don't know what to do with. Until just now, when I sat in front of this computer.

I can't put the actual cartoons on this blog. As you may know, I use the computer at the library, and there's no scanner or whatever you use that could accomplish that. So, what I've decided to do instead is convert the cartoons into a prose format. Here, then, is the first of hopefully many more to come.

PANEL ONE. This big, fat guy with a big, fat stomach, big fat arms, and big fat legs, walks up to this sexy girl in a bar.

"Miss Monroe," the fat guy asks. "Will you go out on a date with me?"

PANEL TWO. "I'm sorry, Mr. Arbuckle," the sexy girl replies. "But I don't date fat men."

PANEL THREE. The fat guy then asks the sexy girl, "Well, Miss Monroe, suppose I go on a diet and lose two thirds of my present weight. Will you go out with me then?"

PANEL FOUR. "Yes, Mr. Arbuckle," the sexy girl answers. "If you can lose two thirds of your present weight, I will go out with you."

PANEL FIVE. A clock with legs is running along, indicating the passage of time.

PANEL SIX. The phone rings in the sexy girl's home. She moves toward it.

PANEL SEVEN. The fat guy's voice is coming out of the receiver. "Meet me at the beach tomorrow, Miss Monroe, and you'll see I'm two thirds thinner."

"OK, Mr. Arbuckle," the sexy girl replies. "I'll be there"

PANEL EIGHT. They're both at the beach. The sexy girl is wearing a bikini, the fat guy trunks. The fat guy has thin, spaghetti-like arms, and thin spaghetti-like legs. His stomach, though, is still big and fat. Even though the sexy girl looks reluctant, she says, "Well, yes, Mr. Arbuckle, I have to admit, you have lost two thirds of your weight."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Funny, huh?

You don't get it?

WHAT?! DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A PICTURE?!