Recommended Reading

Michael Moore wants Obama to pass on the Khyber.

Time Travel

1961-62..........................................1963.........................................1964........................................1965.......................................1966......................................1967.....................................1968....................................1969...................................1970..................................1971.................................1972................................1973...............................1974..............................1975.............................1976............................1977...........................1978..........................1979.........................1980........................1981..........................1982......................1983.....................1984....................1985...................1986..................1987.................1988................1989...............1990..............1991.............1992............1993...........1994..........1995.........1996........1997.......1998......1999.....2000....2001...2002..2003.200420052006200720082009201020--

Slow it down! Slow it down!

Vital Viewing

Happy Thanksgiving--and stay indoors.

Is You Is or Is You Ism

About twenty years ago, I was sweeping the parking lot of the McDonald's where I worked when this car that had just been in drive-thru pulled up along side me. The driver lowered his car window and, in a pissed-off voice, said to me, "I thought we were supposed to be different from the communist countries!"

"Huh?" was my honest, heartfelt reply.

"I thought we were supposed to have choices in this country. That's why we're supposed to be so much better than the communists."

This was right after the Berlin Wall fell. It didn't literally fall, but East Berliners were now allowed to visit West Berlin without getting their heads blown off. Meanwhile, other Eastern Europeans countries like Poland, Czechoslovakia, and Hungary were peacefully replacing their communist leaders with capitalistic democrats. Or democratic capitalists. Take your pick. And the whole thing had been set in motion by the sphere-influential leader of the U.S.S.R., Mr. Glasnost himself, Mikhail Gorbachev. As a result, there was a lot in the U.S. media about how the formally enslaved peoples of the Iron Curtain countries would now have more choices in their lives.

What kinds of choices? Well, they could now choose their own leaders. And they could now read anything they wanted. They could now criticize the government if they wanted. And they could write and paint and draw and compose and sculpt and direct and perform whatever they wanted without fear of being sent to some gulag in Siberia.

But that wasn't the kind of choice the guy in the McDonald's parking lot had in mind.

"Sir," I said. "I really don't know what you're talking about."

"I tell you what I'm talking about! I wanted Hot Mustard sauce for my Chicken McNuggets, but the girl in drive-thru said they were all out. She tried to give me Sweet 'N Sour instead! What kind of choice is that?! This country is supposed be about choices. I might as well be in Russia!"

With that, he did an angry burn out of the McDonald's parking lot, leaving me standing there in a cloud of carbon monoxide.

Let's jump 20 years ahead (and 70 years back) to an ism other than communism, shall we?

As you may know, both the House and the Senate have produced their health care reform plans. Plans that, hopefully, promise universal coverage at affordable rates. For the last six months or so, the political Right have been comparing such efforts to Nazism. You remember Nazism, don't you? Adolph Hitler. Goosesteps. Swastikas. Book burnings. Tattooed numbers. Cattle Cars. Barbed wire. Showers. Zyklon B. Ovens. Crimes against humanity. None of which I believe is mentioned in the current health care bill. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) recently appeared at an anti-health reform teabag event, sharing the podium with some guy holding up pictures of the dead at Buchenwald. That's not in the health care bill, either.

The Nazis did offer free medical attention to twins, whether they needed it or not. Usually not. Again, not in the current health care bill.

Really, you shouldn't compare what happens in the U.S. or other western countries to what happened under communism or Nazism. It's like comparing apples and oranges.

Or Hot Mustard and Sweet 'N Sour.

Quips and Quotations

I passionately hate the idea of being "with it". I think an artist always has to be out of step with his times.

--Orson Welles

Following Update

I'd like to welcome Pappy of Pappy's Golden Age Comics.

Fans of comic art (or non-fans who need to be converted) should check out his fine site on my "List of Blogs", along with Hairy Green Eyeball II and Stripper's Guide.

And, in case you comic fans out there are curious, in spite of my last name and the fact that my pipe dream, er, profile, reads "writer/cartoonist", I am no relation to the popular cartoonist Joe Jusko.

However, if he wants to leave me something in his will anyway, I won't complain.

Blog Noir

My friend Marty Volare almost got himself into some very big trouble the other night...

KNOCK! KNOCK!

"Yeah?"

"Excuse me, but are you Bugsy Scarfather, the notorious underworld loan shark?"

"Maybe. Who the hell are you, and why the hell are you holding a palm tree?"

"Oh, well, I'm Martin Dangerfield Volare, and this isn't a palm tree. A palm tree would be much, much bigger."

"THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HOLDING IT?!"

"It's a rubber tree plant."

"Why the hell are you holding a rubber tree plant?"

"Oh, it's a peace offering from Veronica Stanwyck."

"VERONICA STANWYCK!!!" Enraged, Bugsy motioned for one of his goons to come to the door.

Marty smiled. "She told me you'd be excited to hear from her."

"That dame owes me $60,000! She's past due! I was just about to send out a couple of my boys to collect."

"Oh, she told me all about it, Mr. Scarfather. You lent her money so she could start her own combination greenhouse/ice cream stand. It was a pretty good idea, and I'm sure if the economy hadn't tanked, it would have gone over big. I mean, it gets pretty hot in a greenhouse. A cone or Popsicle or maybe a bowl of orange sherbet would be just the thing to cool you off as you peruse the fauna. But, like I said, the economy. Anyway, this rubber plant is Veronica's token of appreciation."

"That's it. The broad's gonna get whacked!"

"Well, Mr. Scarfather, I think she's a little old for a spanking, and, besides, once I'm done here, me and her are off to Vegas to get married."

"Oh, you are, are you?" With that, Bugsy motioned to another one of his goons, who walked up behind Marty, and held up what is known in the gangster vernacular as a "heater" up to his head.

Marty didn't seem to notice. "You see, me and Veronica are in love."

"Just how long have you known Veronica?"

"Oh, about an hour ago. No, make that two."

"ABOUT AN HOUR AGO?!"

"I said, make that two. You see, I went to the Looking-Glass Cafe to bowl a few frames, and, while I was changing into my bowling shoes--"

"Wait a second. I've been to the Looking-Glass Cafe. You can't bowl there."

"Sure you can. Just stick in a few quarters--"

"You're talking about one of those machines? Then why the hell were you putting on bowling shoes?"

"I was hoping they might improve my game."

Bugsy let out a sigh, and then said, "Go on with your story."

"Well, I put on the shoes, and I heard this whistle. I turned, and, sitting in the corner was this beautiful woman in a white dress and big white hat and wearing an ankle bracelet. I walked over to introduce myself, and you know what she said?"

"I'm sweating with curiosity."

"She said, 'A girl like me could fall for a guy like you.'"

"And then what?"

"I fell for her. She led me to the alley in back, and, and, and--"

"AND?!"

"She gave me a peck on the cheek."

"That's some passionate love affair you two got going there."

"And tonight's the honeymoon! Lip to lip!"

"We'll see if you make it to the honeymoon. What I want to know is how you ended up on my doorstep with that palm tree."

"Rubber plant."

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE INSTEAD OF HER?!"

"Well, soon after we met--in fact, I was still wearing my bowling shoes--I told her I was deeply, madly in love with her, and she promised to fall deeply, madly, in love with me if I just did her this one little itty-bitty favor. That's how she put it. One little itty-bitty favor."

"I bet I can guess the little itty-bitty favor. Stall me while she blows town."

"Oh, no, she hasn't blown town yet. Not without me. Like I said, we're getting married."

"So you walked all the way over here from the Looking-Glass Cafe with that palm tree, while--"

"Oh, I didn't walk. Veronica drove me."

"Drove you? I happen to know her car was repossessed!"

"She was driving my car."

"She drove you in your own car?! Where's your car?! I know it's a foggy night, but I should at least be able to see your car."

"Oh, she dropped me off. She had some errands to run and needed my car. I figure I'll take a cab to the airport. Or maybe the bus. Is there a bus stop around here?"

"Yeah, I think there's one around the--forget about the bus stop! You mean to tell me she talked you into coming here, and then talked you out of your car?! How the hell could you let her do that?!"

"Like I said, we're in love. At least I'm in love with her. And she'll fall in love with me once this little itty-bitty favor is over with."

"Man, this is so pathetic, I'm not even going to kill you."

"Oh, good. Like I said, she's waiting for me at the airport. And, for safekeeping, she's holding all my credit cards."