Recommended Reading

Michael Moore wants Obama to pass on the Khyber.

Time Travel

1961-62..........................................1963.........................................1964........................................1965.......................................1966......................................1967.....................................1968....................................1969...................................1970..................................1971.................................1972................................1973...............................1974..............................1975.............................1976............................1977...........................1978..........................1979.........................1980........................1981..........................1982......................1983.....................1984....................1985...................1986..................1987.................1988................1989...............1990..............1991.............1992............1993...........1994..........1995.........1996........1997.......1998......1999.....2000....2001...2002..2003.200420052006200720082009201020--

Slow it down! Slow it down!

Vital Viewing

Happy Thanksgiving--and stay indoors.

Is You Is or Is You Ism

About twenty years ago, I was sweeping the parking lot of the McDonald's where I worked when this car that had just been in drive-thru pulled up along side me. The driver lowered his car window and, in a pissed-off voice, said to me, "I thought we were supposed to be different from the communist countries!"

"Huh?" was my honest, heartfelt reply.

"I thought we were supposed to have choices in this country. That's why we're supposed to be so much better than the communists."

This was right after the Berlin Wall fell. It didn't literally fall, but East Berliners were now allowed to visit West Berlin without getting their heads blown off. Meanwhile, other Eastern Europeans countries like Poland, Czechoslovakia, and Hungary were peacefully replacing their communist leaders with capitalistic democrats. Or democratic capitalists. Take your pick. And the whole thing had been set in motion by the sphere-influential leader of the U.S.S.R., Mr. Glasnost himself, Mikhail Gorbachev. As a result, there was a lot in the U.S. media about how the formally enslaved peoples of the Iron Curtain countries would now have more choices in their lives.

What kinds of choices? Well, they could now choose their own leaders. And they could now read anything they wanted. They could now criticize the government if they wanted. And they could write and paint and draw and compose and sculpt and direct and perform whatever they wanted without fear of being sent to some gulag in Siberia.

But that wasn't the kind of choice the guy in the McDonald's parking lot had in mind.

"Sir," I said. "I really don't know what you're talking about."

"I tell you what I'm talking about! I wanted Hot Mustard sauce for my Chicken McNuggets, but the girl in drive-thru said they were all out. She tried to give me Sweet 'N Sour instead! What kind of choice is that?! This country is supposed be about choices. I might as well be in Russia!"

With that, he did an angry burn out of the McDonald's parking lot, leaving me standing there in a cloud of carbon monoxide.

Let's jump 20 years ahead (and 70 years back) to an ism other than communism, shall we?

As you may know, both the House and the Senate have produced their health care reform plans. Plans that, hopefully, promise universal coverage at affordable rates. For the last six months or so, the political Right have been comparing such efforts to Nazism. You remember Nazism, don't you? Adolph Hitler. Goosesteps. Swastikas. Book burnings. Tattooed numbers. Cattle Cars. Barbed wire. Showers. Zyklon B. Ovens. Crimes against humanity. None of which I believe is mentioned in the current health care bill. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) recently appeared at an anti-health reform teabag event, sharing the podium with some guy holding up pictures of the dead at Buchenwald. That's not in the health care bill, either.

The Nazis did offer free medical attention to twins, whether they needed it or not. Usually not. Again, not in the current health care bill.

Really, you shouldn't compare what happens in the U.S. or other western countries to what happened under communism or Nazism. It's like comparing apples and oranges.

Or Hot Mustard and Sweet 'N Sour.

Quips and Quotations

I passionately hate the idea of being "with it". I think an artist always has to be out of step with his times.

--Orson Welles

Following Update

I'd like to welcome Pappy of Pappy's Golden Age Comics.

Fans of comic art (or non-fans who need to be converted) should check out his fine site on my "List of Blogs", along with Hairy Green Eyeball II and Stripper's Guide.

And, in case you comic fans out there are curious, in spite of my last name and the fact that my pipe dream, er, profile, reads "writer/cartoonist", I am no relation to the popular cartoonist Joe Jusko.

However, if he wants to leave me something in his will anyway, I won't complain.

Blog Noir

My friend Marty Volare almost got himself into some very big trouble the other night...

KNOCK! KNOCK!

"Yeah?"

"Excuse me, but are you Bugsy Scarfather, the notorious underworld loan shark?"

"Maybe. Who the hell are you, and why the hell are you holding a palm tree?"

"Oh, well, I'm Martin Dangerfield Volare, and this isn't a palm tree. A palm tree would be much, much bigger."

"THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HOLDING IT?!"

"It's a rubber tree plant."

"Why the hell are you holding a rubber tree plant?"

"Oh, it's a peace offering from Veronica Stanwyck."

"VERONICA STANWYCK!!!" Enraged, Bugsy motioned for one of his goons to come to the door.

Marty smiled. "She told me you'd be excited to hear from her."

"That dame owes me $60,000! She's past due! I was just about to send out a couple of my boys to collect."

"Oh, she told me all about it, Mr. Scarfather. You lent her money so she could start her own combination greenhouse/ice cream stand. It was a pretty good idea, and I'm sure if the economy hadn't tanked, it would have gone over big. I mean, it gets pretty hot in a greenhouse. A cone or Popsicle or maybe a bowl of orange sherbet would be just the thing to cool you off as you peruse the fauna. But, like I said, the economy. Anyway, this rubber plant is Veronica's token of appreciation."

"That's it. The broad's gonna get whacked!"

"Well, Mr. Scarfather, I think she's a little old for a spanking, and, besides, once I'm done here, me and her are off to Vegas to get married."

"Oh, you are, are you?" With that, Bugsy motioned to another one of his goons, who walked up behind Marty, and held up what is known in the gangster vernacular as a "heater" up to his head.

Marty didn't seem to notice. "You see, me and Veronica are in love."

"Just how long have you known Veronica?"

"Oh, about an hour ago. No, make that two."

"ABOUT AN HOUR AGO?!"

"I said, make that two. You see, I went to the Looking-Glass Cafe to bowl a few frames, and, while I was changing into my bowling shoes--"

"Wait a second. I've been to the Looking-Glass Cafe. You can't bowl there."

"Sure you can. Just stick in a few quarters--"

"You're talking about one of those machines? Then why the hell were you putting on bowling shoes?"

"I was hoping they might improve my game."

Bugsy let out a sigh, and then said, "Go on with your story."

"Well, I put on the shoes, and I heard this whistle. I turned, and, sitting in the corner was this beautiful woman in a white dress and big white hat and wearing an ankle bracelet. I walked over to introduce myself, and you know what she said?"

"I'm sweating with curiosity."

"She said, 'A girl like me could fall for a guy like you.'"

"And then what?"

"I fell for her. She led me to the alley in back, and, and, and--"

"AND?!"

"She gave me a peck on the cheek."

"That's some passionate love affair you two got going there."

"And tonight's the honeymoon! Lip to lip!"

"We'll see if you make it to the honeymoon. What I want to know is how you ended up on my doorstep with that palm tree."

"Rubber plant."

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE INSTEAD OF HER?!"

"Well, soon after we met--in fact, I was still wearing my bowling shoes--I told her I was deeply, madly in love with her, and she promised to fall deeply, madly, in love with me if I just did her this one little itty-bitty favor. That's how she put it. One little itty-bitty favor."

"I bet I can guess the little itty-bitty favor. Stall me while she blows town."

"Oh, no, she hasn't blown town yet. Not without me. Like I said, we're getting married."

"So you walked all the way over here from the Looking-Glass Cafe with that palm tree, while--"

"Oh, I didn't walk. Veronica drove me."

"Drove you? I happen to know her car was repossessed!"

"She was driving my car."

"She drove you in your own car?! Where's your car?! I know it's a foggy night, but I should at least be able to see your car."

"Oh, she dropped me off. She had some errands to run and needed my car. I figure I'll take a cab to the airport. Or maybe the bus. Is there a bus stop around here?"

"Yeah, I think there's one around the--forget about the bus stop! You mean to tell me she talked you into coming here, and then talked you out of your car?! How the hell could you let her do that?!"

"Like I said, we're in love. At least I'm in love with her. And she'll fall in love with me once this little itty-bitty favor is over with."

"Man, this is so pathetic, I'm not even going to kill you."

"Oh, good. Like I said, she's waiting for me at the airport. And, for safekeeping, she's holding all my credit cards."

Recommended Reading

60 is the new 51.

Following Update

I'd like to welcome Dreamfarm Girl to Shadow of a Doubt. I promise it won't be a nightmare.

Hmm..If I keep on using lines like that, I'm not going to be able to keep that promise, huh?

Quips and Quotations

Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole thing to private industry.

--Milo Minderbinder in Catch-22, by Joseph Heller.

(played by Jon Voight in the movie--KJ)

Monkeys are the Root of All Evil.

Read in the paper that Inherit the Wind is now playing at the Drury Theater downtown. I seriously thought about going. According to the article, tickets are starting at $45, so I put on my ski mask and headed to the nearest bank...Just kidding! Just kidding! I've never even stole a towel from a hotel room. I have thought about stealing the soap, but it's usually so small I don't think I'd get much use out of it other than washing what separates me from the beasts, my thumbs. $45! Maybe I could afford if I fast for a week. That way I'll be nice and hungry for Thanksgiving. No. I've already seen Inherit the Wind . The same way I've seen all the great plays of the 20th century--as a movie on TV. Made in 1960, it starred Spencer Tracy as a character based on Clarence Darrow, Fredric March as a character based on William Jennings Bryan, Gene Kelly as a character based on H.L. Mencken, and Dick York as a character based on John T. Scopes, who was arrested in 1920s Tennessee for teaching the theory of evolution (in York's next big role he was married to a witch. Any fundamentalist Christians reading this are now nodding their heads and saying, "Yep, that sounds about right.)

To summarize the play, and the real life event on which it was based, lawyer Darrow defended Scopes, while starch evolution opponent Bryan served as district attorney. The judge was biased against Darrow, and kept out a lot of scientific evidence that might have exonerated both John Scopes and Charles Darwin (I'm not sure what to make of it, but on Bewitched, Endora sometimes called Darren Darwin.) Frustrated, Darwin, I mean Darrin, I mean Darrow, called Bryan himself to the stand, and asked him questions about the Bible, and how it squared with reality. Now it was Bryan's turn to be frustrated as he tried to square dance around various facts Darrow threw at him. For instance, he asked Byran where did Cain's wife come from, as Adam and Eve were the only ones giving birth to kids at the time. Christian smart ass that he was, Bryan replied, "I leave it up to you agnostics to go looking for her." And if Joshua, as the Bible claims, actually cause the Sun to stand still for a day, why weren't all the people flung off the planet into space when the Earth suddenly stopped moving on its' axis? Bryan's answer was that he didn't think the question was "expert testimony". Darrow asked how the sun could be created on the fourth day. Bryan replied that days were a lot longer back in the day, like thousands of years longer. After two hours of this, the judge adjourned for the (24-hour) day. The next morning the jury found Scopes guilty. It was a hollow victory for Bryan, as he had just made a fool of himself on the stand. He tried to get back at Darrow by distributing to the press a series of questions for him to answer, such as "Is there a God?" and "Is the soul immortal?" Smart ass agnostic that he was, Darrow answered, "I don't know." Bryan died soon after (though not on the day of the verdict, as depicted in the play.)

I'm sure by know some of you are saying, "Gosh! Even though it happened back in the 1920s, it's relevant today. People are still arguing about it." Well, yes, it it still relevant, and people still do argue about it. Usually, it's fundamentalist Christians (like Bryan) on one side, and atheists or agnostics (like Darrow) on the other. It's also usually part of that larger argument, the one between conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats. Here's where things start getting irrelevant:

Both William Jennings Bryan and Clarence Darrow were liberal Democrats. Bryan, in fact, was a three-time Democratic nominee for President (and three-time loser.) H.L. Mencken, who covered the trial for the Baltimore Sun, was the closest thing to a conservative, and he hated fundamentalist Christianity. Almost as much as he would later hate the New Deal.

Speaking of that New Deal, in a 1934 speech dedicating a memorial to Bryan, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt praised him for his "lifelong fight against sham and privilege and wrong." FDR also said WJB "fought the good fight." In 1962, Harry S. Truman said, "If it wasn't for ol' Bill Bryan, we wouldn't have any liberalism in the country right now. Bryant kept liberalism alive. He kept it going."

If Bryan was so liberal, then, what was his beef with The Origin of Species?

Actually, as a young man in the 19th century, he kept an open mind about the then-newfangled theory. What closed that mind was the phrase "survival of the fittest", coined not by Darwin but by the philosopher Herbert Spencer, best known as the chief proponent of "Social Darwinism", though that phrase was coined by someone else (I've heard of passing the buck, but coins?) Spencer and others were against any type of government action that might make life better for the poor and dispossessed. They were bound for extinction anyway. Just like dinosaurs. Byran, the lifelong champion of the poor and dispossessed, naturally protested. Plus, dinosaurs weren't even mentioned in the Bible. He came to loathe evolution even more than the gold standard.

And Clarence Darrow? As someone who spent his life fighting for the underdog, you'd think he'd be against evolution. Had he had the opportunity to defend a poor person against imminent extinction, I'm sure he would have. But it never happened. Besides, in spite of all the scientific discoveries going on, it was still a very religious age, and he came to see atheists and agnostics (such as himself) as the true underdogs. So he embraced Darwinism, though not socially.

Bryan's fears turned out to be unfounded. Class-based extinction, at least in the US, never became official public policy. Something else happened instead. As the country's manufacturing base frittered away, and the middle-class along with it, more and more disenfranchised people, in Barack Obama's memorable words, began to cling to "guns and religion and developed an antipathy towards government." They also began voting for Adam-and-Eve-believing politicians, who then enacted policies that frittered away the middle-class even more, almost to the point of extinction, just like the dinosaurs, the ones not mentioned in the Bible.

Funny how it's all evolved, huh?