Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Quips and Quotations (Yuletide Edition)

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

--Jay Leno

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?
You know...the birth of Santa.

--Bart Simpson

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

--Bernard Manning

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

--Dave Barry

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

--Phyllis Diller

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

--W.C. Fields

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of nylons. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."

--Anonymous (who may have had a little too much egg nog when he told that one.)

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?

--Tom Armstrong

Top Ten Signs Your Mall Santa Is Overworked:

10.Instead of, "What do you want for Christmas?" Asks, "Where the hell am I?"
9.Calls every kid he meets "Ricky"
8.Constantly breaks down sobbing like John Boehner
7.Excuses himself to bathe in the fountain
6.Will only hear what you want if you go through a pat down or full body scan
5.Barricades himself under the escalator brandishing a sharpened candy cane
4.Angrily tells everyone, "You're getting a Waterpik"
3.Many times a day, mall security has to taser him
2.Asks every kid, "You're not Jewish, are you?"
1.Instead of milk and cookies, asks for Xanax

--David Letterman

And he, he himself, the Grinch, carved the roast beast.

--Dr. Seuss

(Merry Christmas, folks--KJ)

6 comments:

  1. Feeling a little synical this season?

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  2. Let's hear it for the roast beast!

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  3. i have a grinch tshirt that i wear this time of year. people always give me grief about it, until i point out that his heart grew 3 sizes that day. granted, he was starting from a pretty big deficit, but hell, i'm all for bigger hearts.

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  4. @Kass--Cynical? Moi? Why, I included quotes from both Jay Leno AND David Letterman. If that's not in the spirit of holiday togetherness or whatever you call it, I don't know what is.

    Merry Christmas, Kass.

    @Jim--Tastes good with A-1 sauce.

    Merry Christmas, Jim.

    @rraine--I like how in the cartoon version, while the Grinch is trying to keep the sleigh from sliding off Mount Crumpet, the X-ray machine appears over his chest. As his heart grows three sizes that day, it bursts the X-ray machine to pieces. Suddenly imbued with the strength of 10 Grinches, he heroically holds the overburdened sleigh up over his head (while his poor dog Max continues to hang from it on his leash) and rides it back into Whoville, where all the whos, gathered in a circle, create an impromptu door that opens up and lets him in. Possibly writer Suess's, animator Chuck Jones', and actor Boris Karloff's finest hour.

    Merry Christmas, rraine.

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  5. Um, now that I think of it, it was really writer Suess's, animator Chuck Jones' and actor Boris Karloff's finest HALF-hour. Maybe less if you factor in the commercials.

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  6. This is a great posting I have read. I like your article

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