Archival Revival

I've caught a small cold, and thought I might like to write about it. Then I remembered that last March I had a much, much, worse cold, which I wrote about at the time. Rather than try to--excuse me--PKTHGKLTG!--top myself, which may not be possible or even desirable, I've decided to rerun the earlier post. Read it, if you dare.

Ad Libs

If you just read the blogs on Blogger but don't blog yourself, you may not be aware that we who do blog on Blogger have a "Dashboard". Just like the dash in your car--well, it's not like the dash in your car at all. There's no P R N D 1 2, and no 10..20..30..40..50..60..70..80 , and no dials that swing from Empty to Full, or Hot to Cold, or Low to High. What we who blog on Blogger see instead is this:

NEW POST - Edit Posts - Settings - Layout - View Blog

At least, that's what used to be there. About two weeks ago, I clicked on to my Dashboard, and THIS was added to the above:

Monetize

Monetize? What's that?, I wondered. I mean, I knew it meant making money off my blog, but how?

So I clicked, and found out. With advertisements.

Now, I was reluctant to accept advertisements at first. I didn't want the two top agencies, McCann Worldgroup and BBDO Worldwide, fighting over my business. Plus, I didn't want to make the people who run the NFL jealous when they saw how much revenue my ads raked in compared to the commercials on their measly Super Bowl.

Then I woke up.

I decided to advertise. As it turns out, I don't come in contact with any ad execs, like the ones you see on cable's Mad Men. No smoking cigarettes, swilling martinis, or making moves on the secretaries for me. That's all right. Whenever I've tried smoking, swilling, or making moves in the past, it's just gotten me a cough, a headache, and "My boyfriend is an IRS agent." No, a computer would do all the work. Well, the computer wouldn't smoke, swill, or make moves, but it would choose what ads go on my blogs. How, exactly? By singling out key words or phrases in my posts, then matching them with the appropriate ads. Well, not always so appropriate. There's an odd result every now and then.

I did a post a while back called "Viral Spiral", detailing a cold I recently caught. This has led to ads from Halls and Vicks. Well, that makes sense, as I had a nasty sore throat at the time. But where's the Smith Brothers or Fisherman's Friend ads? What, my phlegm's not good enough for them?

Then there's "Futures Market", detailing my visit to a fortune teller. In the past week, I've gotten ads for astrology, palm reading, tarot cards, tea leaves, crystal balls, numerology, phrenology, and whatever clicking on "love signs" is called. I also got an ad for the top fortune teller in St. Paul, Minnesota. Maybe Al Franken and Norm Coleman should seek him out.

Speaking of politics, my post "Red State Blues" produced the oddest results, ad-wise. That post, like most of my political posts, tended to be somewhat favorable toward the Left, and somewhat hostile toward the Right. But the computer doesn't care about overall mood. It's only concern is how many times "left" and "right", "liberal" and "conservative", and "Democrat" and "Republican" appear. As all those words appeared quite a bit, the subsequent ads were wholly bipartisan. A few asked me (or anyone viewing my blog) to join this or that progressive cause, but there was also one from Rush Limbaugh, enlisting citizens in his crusade to "save America". I thought that had been accomplished this past November.

"Ad Libs" might become a regular feature, if future posts yield some more interesting ads. And who knows? I might just earn a profit along the way.

In fact, I just checked. This past week I raked in a whole nickel.

39 more of those, and I can buy myself a bag of Halls. Or maybe Vicks.

Viral Spiral

Caution: Don't read this post on a full stomach.

I haven't been blogging much lately. There are two reasons for this. First, one of the ninety or so temp agencies I'm signed up with has actually found some work for me. It's only part-time, and not particularly strenuous, but it tweaks my energy just enough that I feel more like reading other people's blogs than working on my own.

The other reason is that I've had a bad cold. For about a week, my nose was essentially a leaky buttermilk spigot. That right there makes it difficult to operate a keyboard:

type, type, type--SNORRRTT!--type, type, type--SNORRRTT!--type, type, type--SNORRRTT!--type, type...

I did try a Kleenex:

type, type, type--SPFOOSSH!!--type, type, type--SPFOOSSH!!--type, type, type--SPFOOSSH!!--type, type, type...

As I write these posts in the library, either way attracts attention.

After a couple of days, the buttermilk dries up, and you can look down without getting your hands, desk, mouse, mouse pad, and keyboard all wet and sticky. But that's only because the inside of your nose is now concrete, forcing you to breathe through your mouth:

type, type, type--PANT! PANT!--type, type, type--PANT! PANT!--type, type, type--PANT! PANT!--type, type, type...

This attracted the librarian's attention. I had a heck of a time trying to convince her I hadn't clicked on a porn site.

The cold now resides in my chest. So I'm now able to breathe through my nose and my mouth. My lungs are another matter. I just know I have a big ball of pus lodged somewhere in my upper trachea. OK, I'm not entirely sure what an upper trachea is or what it does, but they used to mention it a lot on MASH, and I'm sure if Hawkeye cut mine open, he would subsequently have to instruct the nurse to wipe what looked like week old tapioca from his face.

Writing takes concentration, even on the Web. And I just can't concentrate when the mucus membrane's malignant muck threatens to cut off my supply of oxygen.

If I could just cough it away, then I could write. Not a big cough. Just a clearing of the throat. A mere "ahem."

AHKKKKKMMMMPLPLPLPLKKKGKGKGOGGGGGGGGAHHHHAKAKAKAKAKAAHHHHHEEEEEKKKKKKKPLPKPLKPLKPLKGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

How's that for a gag ending?