Vital Viewing (Hex and Violence Edition)

 

Halloween is not too far off, and what better symbol of the holiday than a witch? Here's one of cinema's scariest. If fact, she just might be the gold (or mold) standard for cinematic scary witches:

Did you notice how the Tin Man put out the fire with his oil can hat? That's because a fire needs oxygen or else it's likely to die out. Nice to know that even in a land of witches and talking scarecrows, the basic laws of science still apply. 

By the time she died at age 82 in 1985, Cleveland native Margaret Hamilton had lived through decades of TV showings of 1939's The Wizard of Oz, and was well-aware that her Wicked Witch of the West character had become a cultural icon. It didn't seem to bother her any. Also, cultural icons often attract the attention of other cultural icons, which seems to be the case in this clip that pairs Hamilton with a man who was considered anything but wicked: 

  

Mister Rogers seems positively gleeful at the prospect of this sweet old lady transforming herself into a wicked witch. Walk on the wild side, Fred!

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood wasn't the only 1970s TV instance of Margaret Hamilton donning the pointy black hat and the rest of the black ensemble. Here she is alongside a man with a wit so wicked it could have turned Dorothy's face as red as her ruby slippers:

Nice place for the clip to end, huh? I take what YouTube gives me, folks. I did see this special when I was in high school, but I've long since forgotten what kind of truck driver Paul Lynde turned into. Since I don't want you to feel deprived, let's just say this came next:

Betty White, bless her soul, got her wish.  

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 Now, let's look at a different witch. Well, I thought she was a witch at first because there's a black cat, and the lady herself is dressed in black, but that's where the similarity ends:

And I don't care if she's a witch or not. She's still magical.

Mitzi Gaynor 1931-2024

Spiritual Enlightenment, or Enlightened Spirit?

 

He was never what you would call a hippie, never lived in a commune, and never a counterculture figure, but comedian Paul Lynde nevertheless liked to slip on the caftan and love beads while relaxing at home.  The above photo is from 1976, so it might be said that he was a bit behind the times in his choice of attire. Except that culturally, the 1970s was a kind of sequel to the 1960s, that saw many of the accouterments of the counterculture--facial hair, sideburns, tie-die shirts, jean jackets--adopted by the mainstream. That wasn't quite true for the male caftan, but the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi did wear one, and he remained a highly sought-after figure. In fact, as traditional church attendance declined, Eastern philosophy, Eastern religion, and Eastern mysticism continued to make inroads into the middle-class. However, I can't find any evidence that Paul Lynde's interest in the mysterious East went beyond the sartorial. More telling is that glass he's holding in his hand. By almost all accounts, Lynde sought meditative transcendence in alcohol, which he consumed in great quantities. Unfortunately, according to these same accounts (which come from many of his closest friends), he could be a mean drunk, so there was little peace, love, and happiness found there. The alcohol abuse reached its apex with a much-publicized run-in with a cop outside a Salt Lake City gay bar while Lynde was in town to tape The Donny and Marie Show, causing him to not just lose that gig (which, given the brother-sister duo's Mormon upbringing, had been a surprisingly steady one up to that point), but other work as well. Accustomed to a decidedly non-ascetic standard of living (caftan and love beads notwithstanding), and not wanting to give that up, Lynde around 1980 went on the wagon, and stayed on the wagon, until his death two years later at the all-too-young age of 55. Yet his was hardly a wasted life. This being Pride Month, the question must be asked: did Lynde contribute anything to the cause beyond a headline in the National Enquirer? True, there was no public revelation or true confession, no partaking in any post-Stonewall political activity, but by demonstrating that a flamboyantly fey personality and an LGBTQ-laced sense of humor were no impediments to TV stardom, Lynde in his own subversive way helped undermine the Sexual Orientation Establishment of his era. Paul Lynde may not have been a hippie, but neither was he a Hollywood square.

Hollywood Squares Babylon

Has the coarsening of the culture got you down? If so, return with me to a more innocent, wholesome time, some forty to fifty years ago, when the TV censor ruled with an iron fist...


Q: Paul, we've all heard the old phrase "pig in a poke". What is a poke?
A: It's when you're not really in love.

Q: Paul, Elizabeth Taylor recently stated "It wasn't easy," and hubby Richard Burton added, "But we both sleep a lot better." They were both talking about the same thing. What?
A: Separate bedrooms.

Q: Paul, true or false. Research indicates that Christopher Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
A: It's not easy to sign up a crew for six months.

Q: Paul, before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
A: An engagement ring.

Q: Paul, according to psychologists, when a child gets curious about sex, what is the one question it will ask mommy and daddy?
A: Where can I get some?
  
Q: Paul, does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?    
A: Well, it's easy to steer
  
Q: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
A: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment

Q: Paul, Teddy Roosevelt maintained that he had something removed from two United States coins purely for the sake of art. What?
A: The bottom half of the buffalo.

Q: Paul, Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying "Dinah Shore is in top form. I've never known anyone to be completely able to throw herself into a..." What?
A: A headboard.

Q: Paul, during the war of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
A: They are cute

Q: Paul, Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the Revolutionary war, was hung. Why?
A: Heredity.

Q: Paul, when is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave for two minutes?
A: When your house is surrounded by police.

Q: Paul, it's considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? 
A: Tape measures.

Q: Paul, it used to be called "9-pin". What's it called today.
A: Foreplay!

Q: Paul, why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Paul, Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now, listen carefully: "We work together, we pray together, and we're darn good..." What?
A: In the saddle.

Q: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes?
A: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways.

Q: Paul, it may be the most abused part of you body. What is it?
A: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q: Paul, from what animal do you get silk blouses?
A: An animal to you, Peter, but kind and generous to me.

Q: Paul, in a survey of teenage mothers, most of them said they were listening to this when they got pregnant. What is it?
A: A pack of lies.

Q: Paul, is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
A: As long as that's a far as it goes.

Q: Paul, is it true that lightening once fused a man's zipper shut?
A: Yes, it was God's way of telling him to slow down.

Q: Paul, in Greek mythology, what would the god Morpheus do to you while you slept?
A: I don't know, but I got an enchanted hickey.

Q: Paul, is there such a thing as an F cup in bra sizes?
A: Yes, it sleeps four.

Q: Paul, the great writer George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "It's such a wonderful thing, what a crime to waste it on children." What is it?
A: A whipping.
 

Q: Paul, is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? 
A: Why, that bitch!

Q: Paul, what unusual thing do you do if you have something called "the gift of the tongues"?
A: I wouldn't tell the Grand Jury. Why should I tell you?

Q: Paul, Glen Campbell recently stated, "Love to me is something..." Something to what?
A: Purchase.

Q: Paul, did the recently deceased Smokey the Bear leave a widow?
A: Let's just say at the services they had to sedate Ranger Bob.

Paul Lynde

The TV censor may have ruled with an iron fist, but that doesn't mean he had a clue.