Pleasure Measure

I walked into the Looking-Glass Cafe Monday and saw my old friend Eddie Templeton sitting at the bar with a huge smile on his face.

"Well, Eddie," I said, as I sat down next to him. "You look happy."

"I am, Jusko. I just realized I had a wonderful weekend!"

"You just realized that? You didn't know it at the time?"

"At the time I thought it was a shitty weekend."

"Why did you think it was shitty?"

"Well, Saturday night I wanted to do something exciting, but I didn't have much money, so I just came here."

"Well, Eddie, just because you came here doesn't mean--"

"Hold it, Jusko. I'm not finished."

"Oh. Sorry. Go on."

"Well, like I said, I came here, I ordered some buffalo wings and a beer, watched some basketball game on TV, chatted with the bartender for a while, played one of those video trivia games, had another beer, watched a hockey game, chatted with the bartender some more, played a video game, had another beer, chatted with someone I know from work, and left."

"Well, Eddie, it doesn't sound all that shitty."

"Like I said, I don't think it's shitty anymore."

"What changed your mind?"

Eddie pulled out his cell phone. "For the last hour I've been calling up people I know and asking how their weekend went. You know Mycroft Ptolemy?"

"Yeah, I know him."

"Know how he spent Saturday night?"

"How?"

Eddie burst out laughing. "Reorganizing his rock collection! Oh, man, can you imagine that?!"

"Well, Eddie, if I knew exactly how one goes about reorganizing a rock collection, I could probably imagine it."

"Then I called Marty Volare. Do you know how he spent his Saturday night?"

"I don't think I want to know."

"He spent the entire night waiting for Sally Field to answer his emails. Ha! Like that's ever gonna happen."

"Actually, Eddie, I think there's a certain poignancy--"

"Poignancy or not, it's a crappy way to spend the weekend."

"Um, did you talk to anyone else?"

"Yeah. Right before you walked in, I got off the phone with Ken Speer."

"Hold it right there, Eddie. I know all about Ken Speer. He gets invited to all the best parties, goes to all the opening galas, gets his picture on the society page from time to time; there's no way he had a shitty Saturday night."

"That's where you're wrong, Jusko. Ken broke his leg a while back, and spent the entire night in his living room watching a Rocky and Bullwinkle DVD."

"Well, that show could be kind of funny some--"

"Whatever, Jusko. Anyway, I compared my weekend to Mycroft's, Marty's, and Ken's, and realized I had a great time. An absolutely fantastic time! It was maybe one of the best weekends ever!"

"Well, Eddie, I'm happy for you. Maybe next weekend--"

"Oh, next weekend's gonna suck. I'm not looking forward to it at all."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not gonna have much money again, so I'll just have to come here. I'll have a few beers and buffalo wings, chat with the bartender, watch some sport on TV, play some video, chat with someone from work, and go home."

"But, Eddie, that's what you did this past weekend, and you said it was one of your best ever. So why should next weekend be so different?"

"Ken Speer will be out of his cast by then."

We'll Save The Lady From Nantucket For Some Other Time

The other day I stopped by the Looking-Glass Cafe, just in time to find Eddie Templeton attempting to tell Mycroft Ptolemy a dirty joke.

"OK, Mycroft, this guy is at the supermarket buying some stuff, and he turns into aisle 7 and sees this beautiful girl in a sexy negligee--"

"Why was she wearing a sexy negligee?"

"Why? Because she's the type of girl that likes to wear sexy negligees, that's why. Now, this guy sees her and--"

"They let her into the store like that?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Didn't the supermarket have a dress code?"

"Why would a supermarket have a dress code? It's not Cinderella's ball."

"How sexy was this negligee?"

"Oh, dude, her boobs were about to fall out, and it was so short you could see her panties, that's why when the guy turned into aisle 7 and saw her--"

"They really let her into the store dressed that way, huh?"

"Look, Mycroft, they let all types into a supermarket. I remember once I saw a woman in hair curlers."

"So?"

"So, she looked ridiculous and everybody was gawking at her."

"I bet not as much as they were gawking at the woman in the sexy negligee."

"Mycroft, if anything, they were gawking even more at the woman in hair curlers."

"Suppose the girl in the sexy negligee and woman in the hair curlers were standing right next to each other? Then who would get gawked at more? I'll bet--"

"WHO THE HELL CARES WHO WOULD GET GAWKED AT MORE?!"

At this point, Sherm, the bartender, told Eddie to keep it down. Eddie nodded, and then said to Mycroft in a low voice, "See, you got me in trouble with Sherm."

"I just want to know why the woman came to the supermarket only in her negligee? Why didn't she get dressed first?"

"Mycroft, she worked second shift, so she got up late, and wanted to get to the store and back before her favorite soap came on, and just didn't have enough time to dress however you think people should dress in supermarkets."

"She should have just Tivo'd the soap."

"Well, maybe that's why she was working second shift, so she could afford to buy a Tivo. Now, can I please finish this joke?"

"Go ahead."

"OK, she--no, the guy, turns into aisle 7 and sees this beautiful girl in a sexy negligee. He gets all excited and rips off his clothes and jumps on the girl and they start having wild sex right there on the supermarket floor--"

"So he raped her."

"No, he didn't rape her! This is a dirty joke, not a sick one. Where'd you get that idea?"

"You said he jumped her."

"Yeah, but only because she was wearing a sexy negligee."

"You shouldn't blame the victim, even if she's wearing a sexy negligee."

"No, you don't understand, Mycroft, they were in a supermarket."

"You shouldn't blame the victim, even if she's wearing a sexy negligee in a supermarket."

"What I mean, Mycroft, is people don't get raped in supermarkets. They get raped in dark alleys or some place like that."

"So it was consensual sex?"

"That's right."

"In a supermarket?"

"That's right."

"I have an easier time imagining a rape in a supermarket than consensual sex."

"Then go ahead and imagine it, Mycroft. It won't affect the joke any."

"Now, if it's rape, somebody in the store would have noticed and called the police--"

"No, Mycroft, that's not what happened at all!"

"It was one of those Kitty Genovese-like situations?"

"Kitty Geno--It was consensual, Mycroft. She asked him to rip off his clothes and jump on her so they could have sex on the supermarket floor!"

"You didn't mention she made the first move."

"That's right, I didn't. I forgot. I'm sorry I didn't mention it. I apologise. I'll regret it for the rest of my days!"

"I understand why he wanted to have sex with her, but if she made the first move, why did she want to have sex with him?"

"She saw how turned on he was by her, and was so flattered by the attention that--"

"If she walks around supermarkets in a negligee, you think she'd be used to attention."

"She had a poor self-image, OK?"

"But you said she was beautiful."

"I know she's beautiful, you know she's beautiful, the guy in the supermarket knows she beautiful, but she doesn't know she's beautiful because she's got a poor self-image! Now, they're having sex in aisle 7--"

"Well, if they both wanted to have sex, why didn't they just go to one of their homes?"

"They were both married!"

"Did her husband think she was beautiful?"

"Yes, but he didn't let her know it. He let her think she was ugly so she would have a poor self-image and have sex with with the first person she met at the supermarket."

"Why didn't they go to a motel?"

"Mycroft, they were blind with passion! Haven't you ever been so blind with passion that you wanted to have sex right then and there on the supermarket floor instead of going to a motel?"

"No."

"Well, you've lived a sheltered life. I feel sorry for you. Now, they're having sex on the supermarket floor, and--"

"Didn't anybody notice?"

"Not yet."

"Not yet? I think they'd notice right away!"

"Mycroft, I said they were in aisle 7. If you weren't in aisle 7, how would you know? And they had aisle 7 all to themselves."

"Well, aisle 7 was free the whole time? Nobody else entered it? That's hard to believe."

"Well, OK, so someone else went into the aisle. What of it?"

"Well, if someone with a cart full of groceries came into the aisle and saw them having sex on the floor--"

"Then they steered the cart around them. You can steer those carts, you know."

"So even though they were having wild sex, they weren't blocking the aisle?"

"Well, they might have been rolling back and forth, but if they rolled to the right, you steer the cart to the left, if they roll to the left, you steer to the right. Now, listen carefully, Mycroft, they finished having sex, put on their clothes, and left. But there was all this semen and sperm and--"

"Sperm and semen are synonyms."

"I don't care. They left all these bodily fluids on the floor of aisle 7, and a customer happens by, sees the mess, and gets all upset--"

"Finally, somebody gets upset."

"So this customer goes to the store manager, tells him what she saw, and the manager gets on the loudspeaker and says--"

Eddie changed his voice to sound like he was talking on a loudspeaker, and announced:

"Spill in aisle 7!"

Back to his regular voice, Eddie said, "Well, that's the joke, Mycroft. How come you're not laughing?"

"I think if a customer tells a store manager that there's bodily fluids on the floor of aisle 7, then he should immediately rush to aisle 7, and see for himself."

"Mycroft, when you're telling a joke, it's the punchline that matters. If the girl had dressed normal, I couldn't have said the punchline. If the guy hadn't jumped on her, I couldn't have said the punchline. If they didn't have wild sex on the floor, I couldn't have said the punchline. If the store manager had rushed over to aisle 7 instead of getting on the loudspeaker, I couldn't have said the punchline. If all the people in the joke had behaved the way you expected them to behave, I couldn't have said the punchline. Am I getting through to you, Mycroft? Is any of this making sense?"

Mycroft gave what Eddie said some serious thought, and asked, "So all those people knew they were in a dirty joke?"

Utterly exasperated, Eddie replied, "How could they not?!"

Sweet Charity

Me and Eddie Templeton were walking down the street, and shooting the breeze when--wait, have I introduced you to Eddie Templeton yet? You know Eddie, don't you? He just got his fifteenth ticket for parking in a handicapped space, remember? Let me quote him:

"I don't know what the hell's the matter with that cop! I told him I've got Premature Hunch Elbow!"

Anyway, me and Eddie were walking down the street, and he fell behind me for a moment.

"Hey, Jusko!"

I turned around. "Huh?"

"You dropped a quarter."

He picked it up and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I said.

I continued walking.

"Say, Eddie," I said. "What say you and I go over to the Looking-Glass Cafe and see if Garret and Marty's there?"

Eddie didn't answer.

"Eddie?"

I turned back around. Eddie was way behind me, still at the spot where I dropped my quarter. His arms were folded, and he was tapping his foot. He had an expectant look on his face.

I walked back over to him.

"Eddie," I said. "What gives?"

"I'm waiting," he said.

"Waiting? Waiting for what?"

"I'm waiting for God to shower me with fame and fortune and all the sex I can handle as reward for the good, just, and selfless deed I just performed."

He looked up toward the sky and started snapping his fingers.

I handed him my quarter.

"Here," I said. "I think you need this more than I do."