You are cordially invited to attend
THE SHADOW OF A DOUBT NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY!!!
(Don't worry. They take requests.)
There will be a dance floor!
If your birthday falls on December 31, you get in at half-price!
(Um...I already said the whole shebang is free, didn't I? Let me rephrase that...)
If your birthday falls on December 31, you get to leave and come back again!
Dress code strictly enforced!
"I don't see anything hanging out, do you? Let 'em in!"
Proper ID required!
"OK, let me see your driver's licenses...hmm...only one of them looks legit, so..."
"...you can stay, but the other one will have to leave."
If at the end of the night you are too inebriated to drive, management will arrange a ride home for you.
(That's the best I can do. Uber is all booked up tonight, and the taxicab companies have all gone under.)
Huh? You mean you're already here? In that case, let the festivities begin...
(Yeah, I know it's past their bedtime, but I promised them they could stay up late.)
Well, that was fun, wasn't it? But the party's winding down now...
Myself, Judy, Mel, Spanky, Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Darla, Miss Crabtree, Cyndi, Mariah, Julie, Gaga, The Honorable Mr. Mayor, Dick, Johnny, Rosey, Ray, Maureen, another Johnny, Donna, George, Henri, Julia, Fred, Rita, Gene, Cyd, Marilyn, Truman, Joan, Harry, Christopher, Michael, Guy, and a dozen or so people whose names I didn't get would like to wish you all...
A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
OK, now hurry up and get out of here, because...
...the landlady is liable to show up at any moment.