Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Yards Gained

I decided to pay my first visit of the new year to my favorite watering hole, the Looking-Glass Cafe. As I walked in I saw my two avid sports fan friends, Ralph and Hank, at the bar pouring over a Rand McNally map of the United States.

"Hey, Ralph. Hey, Hank," I greeted them. "I'm surprised you guys aren't watching one of the bowl games."

Hank looked up from the map and said, "Oh, we've already watched the Rose Bowl, Gator Bowl, Sugar Bowl, Orange Bowl, Fiesta Bowl, Liberty Bowl, Alamo Bowl, Outback Bowl, Maaco Bowl, Capital One Bowl, TicketCity Bowl, Little Caesars Pizza Bowl, Chick-fil-A Bowl, Meineke Car Care Bowl, Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl, and the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl!"

"The Pterodactyl Petroleum Bowl is coming up next," Ralph added. "Now, Kirk, if you'll excuse us, me and Hank have an important matter to sort out before the game starts."

"Oh, sorry," I said. "I'll leave you guys be." I turned to the bartender, Sherman, and ordered a beer.

Ralph and Hank turned their attention back to the map. "Now, let's see, how far away is Wilson University from where we're sitting?" Ralph asked.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hank pull a tape measure out of his pocket, and stretch it out along the map.

"One thousand four hundred and thirty two miles," Hank replied.

"OK," said Ralph. "Now, how about the University of Rawlings?"

Hank moved the tape measure in another direction, and studied it for a second.

"One thousand four hundred and thirty two miles."

"Oh, no!" Ralph exclaimed. "They're both the same distance! Now, what do we do?!"

"I've got an idea," Hank replied. "Hey, Sherm, you don't happen to have a magnifying glass, do you?"

"I keep one just for emergencies like this." Sherman reached behind the bar, pulled up a magnifying glass, and handed it to Hank, who used it to examine the map with even greater scrutiny.

"Ha!" Hank shouted. "Look at this, Ralph. Rawlings is one thousand four hundred thirty two miles and sixty-three yards from where we are sitting, whereas Wilson is only one thousand four hundred thirty two miles and forty-nine yards!"

"So, Wilson is the closer of the two."

"That's right."

With that, Ralph and Hank jumped off their stools, and rushed out, leaving the unfolded map, tape measure and magnifying glass on the bar.

"Where are those two off to in such a hurry?" I asked Sherman.

"I imagine they're getting ready for the game. They better hurry. It's almost time."

A couple minutes later, Ralph and Hank burst back into the Looking-Glass Cafe. They were both wearing Wilson University sweatshirts, Wilson University sweatpants, Wilson University caps, and carrying Wilson University pennants. They both hopped right back on to their bar stools. Sherman picked up the remote, and clicked on the game.

"Go, Wilson, go!" Ralph shouted.

"Boo, Rawlings! Yea, Wilson!" Hank screamed.

Nothing like rooting for the home team.

15 comments:

  1. Very amusing, Kirk. It's like being a blogger in a way. we live vicariously, as if we're on the scene but in fact are far away. Happy New year, Kirk.

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  2. More yards than that are crossed inside one football field. But then, decisions must be made! There's beer at stake.

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  3. @Elisabeth--You're right. There is kind of a similarity there. Happy New Year, Elisabeth.

    @Jim--For some, when a beer's at stake, there are no bounds--or out of bounds.

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  4. Very clever....
    I believed all the bowl games were over but then I think I just heard that the Super Bowl is still coming... @_@
    So break out the beer, tape measure and the pom-poms !

    cheers, parsnip

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  5. @parsnip--As of this writing, the Cotton Bowl is still hours away from being played. Officially, it's called the AT&T Cotton Bowl. I wonder if the winner gets free long-distance?

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  6. Sports fans are a strange lot. You've captured their weirdness nicely. Happy New Year!

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  7. @Kass--"Sports fans are a strange lot. You've captured their weirdness nicely."

    I pretty sure they see me in a similar light, so I guess you could say we're even. Happy New Year, Kass.

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  8. so wadda ya going to do this weekend? more yards to be gained or lost, more decisions to be made, more hearts to be won or lost.

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  9. Not sure if that's a rhetorical question or not, rraine, but for fun's sake, let's say it's not.

    San Francisco vs New Orleans? New Orleans is closer to Cleveland.

    Denver vs New England? New England is closer.

    Green Bay vs New York? Well, despite the fact that Ohio and Wisconsin are both considered the "Midwest", New York is actually closer to Cleveland.

    Finally, there's Houstan vs Baltimore. OK, Baltimore is closer to Cleveland. In fact, footballwise, Baltimore USED to be Cleveland, and when it was here it never made it past a conference championship, but soon as that SCUMSUCKING DIRTBAG ART MODELL MOVED THE TEAM TO BALTIMORE, IT GOES AND WINS THE FREAKING SUPER BOWL! WHY THE HELL COULDN'T THAT ASSCRACK WIN ONE WHILE HE WAS HERE?!?! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T HE...

    Sorry for that outburst. It was uncalled for. Sports is supposed to be fun.

    Just to show you how magnanimous I am, I AM rooting for New England to beat Denver, the very same New England that's coached by Bill Belichick, the very same Bill Belichick that onced coached Cleveland, and ACCOMPLISHED ZILCH, AND THEN CUTS BERNIE KOSAR, THE BEST BROWNS PLAYER SINCE JIM BROWN, AND THEN HE GOES AND COACHES NEW ENGLAND AND THAT SNOTFACED BASTARD WINS 9,000 SUPER BOWLS In A ROW!! WHY THE HELL COULDN'T THAT SON OF A RABID BITCH DO THAT IN CLEVELAND?!?! I CHANGE MY MIND! I WANT DENVER TO WIN! THE VERY SAME DENVER WHOSE BUCK-TOOTHED CRETEN JOHN ELWAY KEPT CLEVELAND FROM GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL THREE TIMES! DRIVE SHMIVE!! I CAN'T STAND IT!! I CHANGE MY MIND AGAIN!! I DON'T WANT EITHER TEAM TO WIN!!! I WANT BOTH TEAMS TO BURN IN HELL IN THEIR OWN BOILING URINATION!!!! ARRRGGGGHHH!!!!!

    Sorry for that outburst. It was uncalled for. Sports is supposed to be fun.

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  10. Sports ARE supposed to be fun. I'm so upset, I forgot my grammer.

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  11. well, it sounds like you're having fun, in some perverted, twisted way!

    and don't fucking get me started on baltimore. i grew up there.

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  13. I won't bring up Indianapolis.

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  14. Oh My Goodness... I was read through my google reader to see what I have miss thanks to
    GOVERNMENT PAPER WORK ARGH LISTEN I HAVE PAID TAXES FOR OVER 49 YEARS I AM WHO I SAY I AM ...
    and I remember this funny post of your and reread it and some of the new comments and...........
    I almost chocked on my gum, I was laughing so hard at your comments.
    You are so funny, mad and super crazy !

    cheers, parsnip

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  15. Great post,I really like your article

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