Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Archival Revival: Torched Song

(Originally posted on 5/19/2009)

I recently paid a visit to my rock star friend, Spit Blitzkrieg. His butler answered the door, and told me Spit would be right down. As I waited, I could hear laughter and shouting and screams of ecstasy emanating from somewhere in his 96-room mansion. I wondered if maybe I wasn't interrupting something, then I realised there was always laughter and shouting and screams of ecstasy emanating from his mansion, summer cottage, hotel room, limo, tour bus, even his tent on that one camping trip to Yellowstone Park. So that made me feel more at ease. At least it did until I saw Spit stagger down a long flight of stairs. I was shocked at his appearance. He looked tired, worn, pale, undernourished, and disheveled. That's not what shocked me. In fact, all that was usually to the good. Especially when immediately preceded by laughter and shouting and screams of ecstasy. No, what shocked me was his expression. He looked sad, heartbroken even.

"Uh, hey, Spit," I said. "Long time no see."

"Hey, Kirk." He replied, glumly.

"Anything wrong?"

"I'm sad, heartbroken even."

"What happened?"

"My girl dumped me"

"Which one?"

"You know. The love of my life."

"Oh," I replied, trying to remember who exactly that was again.

Spit then let out a long sigh.

"Spit," I said, hoping to make him feel better. "Maybe you could channel your heartbreak into your art."

"Oh, I have. In fact, I've written a song. Want to hear it?"


Spit plugged in his Fender Stratocaster, and proceeded to perform his lyrical lament about a love lost.

She was everything to me
She was all that I could see
She was in my every thought
In my every dream
We were such a duo
We were such a team

But when another came along
She decided I'm all wrong
And she cast me right aside
Like a shell left from the tide

Now I sit in front of my TV
Thinking, woe, woe is me
And guzzle down the booze
As I watch the evening news

Brian William's warning
About the spread of nukes
This country's got 'em
That country's got 'em
And so soon will the Third World kooks

And it was then I had my epiphany
This could be Earth's final symphony
So I'm...

Prayin' for a nuclear war
One with lots of blood and gore
Hopin' for the end of the world
To take my mind off of you, girl

I know it'll mean the deaths
Of a billion innocent souls
But what do I give a damn
When my aching heart is filled with holes?

And with that, Spit Blitzkrieg wiped a tear from his eye, put down his Fender Stratocaster, excused himself, and disappeared to somewhere inside his 96-room mansion, where there still could be heard laughter and shouting and screams of ecstasy.


  1. Yes, the song is one to rip one's heart out for sure. But I'm more intrigued by Spit, the man. I wonder if he'd be a likely match for me? I'm not always so good at making those selections . . just sayin'.

    WV-wurewara. Title of Spit's next original tune?

  2. @Badger--Not onto a Geiger counter, I hope.

    @Leslie--I'll tell Spit you're interested.

  3. Leslie, baberama, the K-man tells me you game for hookup, tune up, ramp up and the top up, up and away to the swoon too soon for the moonbeam me up the double dabble dibble rabble rousing rendevous cruise of the doozy dazzling designated diving of forever yours truly, and yours truly alone, hon of my beehive jive. Meet me at the Inn of the Out Staircase joint on the corner table of Hollywood and Shine, and we'll make, bake, and take our cake and treat it romance by chance at the ranch dessing up but not down unless we be both hip on the double dip and don't flip so let it rip!

    Dig what I'm trying to say, Les?

  4. Spit is not necessarily a member of the current generation of rock stars.

  5. OMG, that is the funniest thing I ever read! I am hooting. Look, I'm going to be real. It's been a tough few days. In hospital. Out. In again. (Minor) surgery next week. Fear. Anxiety. To chortle out loud was just now GOOD for me and I thank you for it, K-man and Spit. It will take me awhile to bounce back with something worthy. But know I am grinning.

  6. Ha ~ I am thinking how long it's been since anyone called me "Babe" or "a babe". I like it! Though I could live without the "rama". You are something, K-man! I am not of the current generation of anything. Alas, I am old. But appreciative.

  7. I'm glad you liked it, Les.

  8. Hey, Spit, back off! I saw Leslie first! Isn't it bad enough you stole Sally Field from me?!

  9. @ Marty ~ You heartbreaker!

    @ Kirk ~ You started me laughing yesterday, which I needed pretty desperately. Wait until I post about what happened today! A good reminder that just when ya think it's time to pack it all in . . .